13 Things to Do When Your Loved One is Away at Conferences

INTRO From Rand: Tonight’s post comes from my beloved fiancée, who’s generously donated her time to help keep the blog going while I’m out of town at SMX Social Media.

As many of you know, Rand travels quite a bit for his work, leaving me at home with Raul, the cabana boy. All is well for the first few hours, until I grow tired of Raul’s deep tissue massages and the peeled grapes he insists on feeding me. After that, I tend to get a little bored and lonely. I’m assuming the other conference widows out there feel the same way, and as such, I’ve composed a list of ways to pass the time when your fiancée is away and your rippled Ecuadorian paramour is dehydrated.  

1. Try to name all the countries in the world. Realizing it is hopeless, try for all the states of the union. Fail pitifully yet again, and get even more depressed when you realize you can name a greater quantity of characters from the Simpsons. To wit:
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   Bart, Maggie, Lisa, Homer, Marge, Abe, Patty, Selma, Mrs. Bouvier, Uncle Herb, Chief Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum, Sarah Wiggum, Snake, Lou, Eddie, Dr. Julius Hibbert, Mihouse Van Houten*, Nelson Muntz, Otto, Sherri and Terri, Principal Skinner, Superintendant Chalmers, Gladys Skinner, Comicbook Guy, Mrs. Krabappel, Krusty the Clown, Rabbi Krustofsky Corporal Punishment, Sideshow Mel, Sideshow Bob, Cecil Twilliger, Dr. Nick Riviera, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Gil, Troy McClure, Jasper, Bumblebee Man, Moe, Cletus, Jimmy Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo, Lenny, Carl, Kent Brockman, Rainier Wolfcastle, Professor Frink, Lindsay Nagel, Cookie Kwan, The Flanders (Ned, Maude, Rod, and Tod), Reverend and Helen Lovejoy, Luigi (of the pizza place), Jimbo Jones, Kearny, Dolph, Uder (the fat German foreign exchange student), Groundskeeper Willie, Lunchlady Doris, Wendell (the kid who throws up all the time), Hans Moleman, Apu, Manjula (and the octoplets), The Sea Captain, Jaque, Mindy, Tom (Bart’s big brother), Pepe (Homer’s little brother), Smithers, Mr. Burns, Mrs. Burns (Mr. Burn’s mother, who he never forgave after she had that affair with Taft), Judge Constance Harm, Barney Gumble, Duff Man, Bea (Grandpa’s dead girlfriend), Ray Magini, Disco Stu, Arnie, Lionel Hutz, Mayor Quimby (and his wife). Also Sophie (Krusty’s daughter), and Luke Perry (who I include because he is Krusty’s half brother on his mother’s side).
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   Weep, because you still have no idea where the hell Ohio is.
2. Rather than doing your spouse’s laundry, hide his or her clothing around the house. Place dirty socks inside the pockets of a favorite blazer as a gentle reminder that leaving them on the floor near the hamper is not the same thing as putting them inside the hamper.
3. Plan out the outfits you intend to wear at the next conference  you do attend. Walk around the house in them to check viability, comfort, transition from day to evening events, and warmth. Don’t dwell on the fact that it’s 11pm and you’re changing your clothes and doing your make up.
4. Watch television programs your spouse finds unfit for human consumption. Namely, Chuck, because despite being incredibly stupid and poorly written, you sort of think the lead is dishy. Also, VH1’s Rock of Love , where, as one reviewer put it, one contestant can say to another “I don’t really think you’re a whore”, and it’s one of the most endearing things to happen all season.
5. Invite your girlfiends over for a pillow fight/malt liquor tasting. Explain to your spouse that you would have documented the event, but someone decided to take the camera to the conference. I’m sure those pictures of Dave Naylor were totally worth it.
6. Commit perjury.
7. Call around to every Nordstrom Rack in King County, vainly searching for the Coach Sara boots that you saw at the downtown store but that they didn’t have in your size. Realize that you don’t really want the boots, per se, but are enjoying the thrill of chase, a sensation which you can only assume is the remnant of the driving force that kept your ancestors alive when they were hunting and gathering food thousands of years ago. Use this reasoning to justify more shopping.
8. Institute a dress code in your apartment. Break it by failing to wear shoes. Argue with the management and threaten to throw yourself out.
9. Dinner: peanut brittle and ice cream. Any questions?
10. Put on your pajamas and turn off all the lights in your apartment. Proceed to jump and down violently, stomping on the ground, throwing around small woodland creatures, and basically doing whatever you can to annoy the neighbor who lives below you. When she finally comes up to ask what the hell is going on, pretend she just woke you up and reprimand her for her rudeness.
11. Write several emails to your editor friends, making simple mistakes like confusing “your” with “you’re” and “it’s” with “its”. See how long it takes before there brains brake.
12. Revel in the delightful irony of how Google would need to design its webpage to rank better at Google itself. Watch as your delight slowly turns to frustration and anger when you realize this hypocritical behavior is microcosmic of Google’s policies as a whole, and accept that no matter how nice he is to you, Matt Cutts isn’t really your friend.
13. Miss Rand.  

*I left off Milhouse’s parents because I couldn’t get their names right. I thought they were Cliff and Leanne, but are actually named Kirk and Luann. I also left off Homer’s mother, because I couldn’t remember her name (it’s Mona), as well as Ling, because I thought that she was Patty’s daughter (she’s actually Selma’s) and that her name was Li. And naturally, this list is not complete because there were a few names I couldn’t recall or get right. Feel free to add (names must be off the top of your head. No looking up info other than to check spelling).

Also, Rand and I don’t actually have a cabana boy.