As a special pre-holiday treat, we decided to share our more long tail search terms from last month (November 2007). Enjoy!
- How to read minds: 225 searches. Ever wonder how Rand seems to have so many eerily accurate predictions about the future of search engine algorithm changes? Well, so do 225 other people…
- Titties: 52 searches (thank Lucas for that one)
- Better than google: 51 searches. Meh, we already knew that SEOmoz was better than Google, sliced bread, and real butter combined (mmmmm, butter and Google sandwich…)
- How to speak English: 41 searches. Sadly, we only offer a course on “How to Speak English with the Occasional Injections of Superfluous U’s into Words,” taught by our favo(u)rite Kiwi, Jane.
- Barry bonds before and after: 22 searches. Sounds like a Jeopardy category waiting to happen…
- Good questions to ask: 22 searches. If you have to search for this, then you fail as a human being.
- Mud wrestling: 19 searches. How did they know about our team building exercises?
- Simpsonized pictures: 18 searches. I only threw this in because I geekily think it’s cool that we rank for something Simpsons-related.
- What is an encyclopedia: 13 searches. Seriously? Seriously?!
- 20 questions to ask a guy: 10 searches. Um, ask them anything. It’s not like Jane Goodall with the apes, for crying out loud.
- the incredibles: 10 searches. Hooray, we rank for a Pixar film!
- list of every website: 9 searches. Google returns a page saying “Displaying one of eleventy billion results.”
6 searches:
- ive got a golden ticket. That golden ticket, of course, is *ahemshamelessplug* an SEOmoz Premium Membership! Woo hoo!
- fastest spider. I’d like to see a sequel search query called “2 fast 2 spider,” but that’s just me.
- hot young things. That’s right. At SEOmoz we’re so damn hot.
4 searches:
- Good to great Collins: I’d say good Collins is True Colors, but great Collins is Sussudio.
- Gorgeous website: Why, thank you! I’d say it’s not too shabby!
- Self cannibalization: I bet we taste like spam (zing).
- Most romantic proposal. Yeah yeah, we know, Rand’s romantic mushy mushy all that good stuff.
3 searches:
- how to freebase coke. Rand, is that how you’re able to stay up so late blogging? We may need to stage an intervention…
- things to do with your spouse. Oh, I don’t know, how about converse with them instead of spending all your time in front of a computer?
- set it and forget it rotisserie. My mom has one of these. When she first got it she made pork roast every weekend. I call that period of my life “the best ever.”
- titties, titties, titties. Once again, thanks, Lucas.
- what to say to your loved one. Well, “I love you” is a start…
- how is oatmeal made? By grinding up pigeons, of course.
Two searches:
- internet makes people lazy. I’d like to see Google return a one box answer of “No sh*t, Sherlock.”
- pay attention to me. Aw, they think the Internet is people!
paris - how does google see my site. Through the tiny camera they installed in you the last time you got knocked out at the dentist, silly!
- I work for google. I bet Adam Lasnik and Matt Cutts searched for this one, with Google returning a one box response of “Sigh, we know.”
- Why Canadians are the best at hockey. Uh, a healthy diet of maple syrup and Tim Horton’s?
- What are titties. Ok, seriously, Lucas…
- Weird porn thumbs. Apparently, if you have weird thumbs then you are well-equipped for a lucrative career in porn.
- How to speak the English. The fact that it’s “the English” makes this search so much better.
- How big is the world wide web. Oh, I’d say it’s about 650 Courics big.
- Nambla site password: I bet there’s a fake retrieval site out there that promises the password and then busts the people who try to obtain it. It’s probably run by Chris Hansen (“Why don’t you take a seat…”).
- How to read minds for real. The “for real” part cracked me up, as if Google only shows the real results to people who are serious about mind reading.
- Michael
martinez - Names to call your loved one. I don’t recommend “ho bag.”
- What if ron paul wins? I wonder how many people were expecting a straight answer from Google (e.g., “Well, then you’re effed, I suppose”).
- Rebecca Kelley arrested. Okay, for the record, that old lady deserved it.
- Hat sex xxx. Not only do these folks want hat sex, but they want it in its raunchiest form (hence the xxx).
- Things to do when your wife is away. How about hat sex?
- Underpants gnomes. Step 3: Profit!
- Naked john Michaels. John Michaels, I’m not sure who you are, but apparently some folks are looking for nude photos of you. Just a heads up.
One search:
- Whats the number to the guy who invented the world wide web? It’s 555-are-you-effing-serious.
- Good questions to ask people in truth or dare. How about “I dare you to get your ass off the computer and go for a walk outside, for crying out loud.”
- Is crack and freebase same thing. Okay, seriously, Rand, I’m going to tell you about this nifty little program. There are 12 “steps” too, and I know how much you like lists…
- Why cliques are skinny. Because being able to see your sternum is all the rage now!
- I can’t live without you. Aw, thanks!
- Complete appetizer setup. Crab cakes and prawns of some sort are a definite must.
- Evil cattle. They’ll moo-rder you.
- Do you consider yourself to be lucky / unlucky? Give an example. It’s like this person is signing Google up for a dating site. “Google, describe your perfect date…”
- Words to make up. If you search for a word to make up and find one, isn’t that word already made up? Just throw some darts at a poster of the alphabet, for crying out loud.
- How to break a tedious day. This person has the freakin’ INTERNET right at his fingertips, and he performs a search on how to break up a tedious day. Clearly the man does not know what StumbleUpon is.
- Please stop it. Aw, but I’m almost done!
- Art with elephant on stilts. This is so absurdly specific that I kind of want one for myself.
- How much is matt cutts worth. I bet Matt’s wife searched for this shortly after that life insurance policy kicked in…
- Letting employees create their own fun. Ten bucks says that Bruce Clay searched for this. “Here, Lisa, here’s a slinky. You get to play with it for five minutes, and then it’s back to work.”
- Hammer pants blog. Oh man, I’d so read this. I bet it’s 2 legit, 2 legit 2 quit (hey heyyyyyyyyyy).
- How do people start getting famous. Don’t wear underwear. That’s a good start.
- Things you shouldnt do to your girlfriends dad. I’m guessing that asking him for a condom is at the top of the list…
- Why must people be very careful when using ether. Geez, I’d hate to see this guy’s search history (I bet we’ll find “why does fire feel ouchy,” “how come I can’t breathe underwater,” and “gasoline smells good”).
- How is it anatomically possible for someone to have super powers? God, I love the Internet.
- Ten signs that a man is never going to marry you. #1: You have a Cathy comic on your fridge and instead of a blanket, you sleep with 12 cats to keep you warm.
- Why does someone keep bugging me. Maybe it’s because you’re on your computer all day, and your roommate needs your rent check, you lazy arse.
- Opposing views on how anorexia and bulimia are bad for you. I like how this person wants to hear “opposing” view, like “Con: You can die. Pro: You’ll fit into those skinny leg jeans!”
- How to make him think he cant live without me. The gift of an *ahemshamelessplug* SEOmoz Premium Membership is a good start! It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
Hopefully you enjoyed a peek at our silly search phrases. We want to wish our readers a happy and safe holiday, and best of luck to everyone in the new year!
