“Hey man, do you belong here? I need to see a conference pass!” — a Pubcon security guard…to Matt Cutts
“You’re Internet marketers? Awesome, can I get a business card? I’m putting together a website!” — a Blue Man (and yes, I gave him my card)
“If I got French onion soup and blueberry pancakes, would you judge me?” — Jason Arango (aka Manstery Guest) to the waitress at a café at 2 am
“Honey, I already did. I judged you as soon as you sat down.” — the waitress
“Aw…” — Manstery Guest
“You don’t want to go to that strip club. That’s where the strippers go to DIE.” — a cab driver
Patrick Sexton, who had been gambling all day, sits down for dinner with a smirk on his face.
“What happened? Did you win?” — Scott Willoughby
“Oh, you could say that…” — Pat Sexton, who then pulls a fat wad of cash out of his pocket (our friend Feedthebot turned $200 into roughly $10k)
“So, you’re starring in this movie?” — me, to some random weird guy who was pitching his movie about a stuttering boxer who has to overcome his disability in order to teach inner city kids (I’m not joking) to us
“Y-yuh-yuh-yes. Whuh-whuh-whuh-when I tuh-tuh-talk ab-b-bout the m-m-m-m-movie to puh-puh-people, I d-d-do it in char-r-r-ac-ac-ter so they cuh-cuh-cuh-can huh-huh-hear the ssss-sss-stu-tt-tt-tter.” — weird guy, in an attempt to show off his acting chops and demonstrate that he can pretend to have a stutter (we henceforth referred to him as Stuttering Bret)
“Oooookay…so, what’s the running time of this movie if you’re stuttering throughout the whole thing?” — me
“F— you and f— you for making it further in the tournament than me!” — Patrick Sexton to me and David Mihm at the Purposeinc charity poker tournament (I took 19th, which is much better than I thought I’d do)
“I’m sorry, Pat, it’s just that you look really good and, well, I’m not used to that.” — Lisa Barone to Patrick Sexton (happy now, Pat?)
“I think we should kill that guy, because he asks too many questions.” — Jeff Pollard, pointing at a guy who didn’t know how to play Werewolf and was slowing the game down with all his question asking
“Wait, wait, I have a question: Why do you want to kill meeee?” — the confused guy
“I think we should kill Jeff!” — someone at our Werewolf table
“Jeff, care to defend yourself and convince us why you’re not a Black Hat?” — someone else at our table
“No.” — Jeff
“Jeff, you’re dead.” — me
“Cool. I gotta go to the bathroom.” — Jeff
“Have any of you seen a funky purse?” — some lady at Red Square at Mandalay Bay
“A f—ing purse?” — me
“No, a FUNKY purse. Have you seen one?” — the lady”No.” — me. The lady walks away.
“I’m still hearing f—ing. What was she saying?” — Jon Kelly
“Do you watch CSI?” — Ken Jurina
“I’ve never seen an episode. Why?” — me
“David Caruso is over there.” — Ken
“What? He’s at Pubcon? Why?” — me
“I don’t know, they want to shoot video of him entering Pubcon.” — Ken
“But WHY?!” — me
“I don’t know. Look, there he is!” — Ken
“Tell me this doesn’t look like those two.” — Dax Herrera, showing the cocktail waitress a drawing he made of me and Manstery Guest (said drawing consisted of a stereotypical-looking stick figure named “Ching Chong” and a Transformer truck)
“It doesn’t. That looks like a car.” — waitress
“Todd, if you have the correct amount, put that in as your blind. Don’t just grab any old chip.” — me to Todd Malicoat at the Purposeinc poker tourney
“Meh, I’m lazy.” — Todd
“How much do you have?” — me to David Mihm, who had various stacks of chips arranged messily in front of him
“I don’t know.” — David
“You don’t know? Why don’t you count them and organize them into neat stacks?” — me
“Why should I? I can guess at how much I have. I mean, I have a pretty good idea.” — David
“What?! Do you ‘guess’ as to how many consulting hours you have left with a client, or do you keep track of those?” — me
“Ah, whatever. I don’t need to know how many chips I have.” — David
“Grrrrr…you’re a bad marketer!” — me
“You mean you can’t eat bacon?!” — Rae Hoffman, talking to Tamar about kosher food
“No.” — Tamar Weinberg
“But have you ever had bacon? It’s delicious!” — Rae
“Hey, look at my cards and help me out.” — Tamar Weinberg, while we were playing $2/$4 limit poker at Treasure Island
“I can’t do that! I’m playing too!” — me
“But you folded your cards. You can’t help me?” — Tamar, who then looks at the dealer, who just shakes his head
“Hey Dealer, I have a question for you.” — me
“Uh, ok…” — poker dealer
“All of the dealers’ name tags say where they’re from. Does the casino check where you’re from, or can you just lie and make up a home town?” — me
“I guess you could make something up…” — dealer
“So you could say you’re from Poopsville, Delaware, and no one would check?” — me (hey, it was late)
[sighs] “I guess…” — dealer
“Whoa! I haven’t seen you in, like, three days!” — Rand Fishkin to me
“I saw you last night at the Yahoo party!” — me
“Really? Oh…” — Rand (who, it has now been confirmed, has the memory of a goldfish)
“I see you two are having a conversation, so I’ll leave you alone.” — Ken Jurina to me and Matt Inman
“Yeah, Ken, this is an A-B conversation…” — me (you know the rest…”so why don’t you C your way out of it…”)
“What, no multivariate?” — Ken
“Make sure you put me in the quotes post!” — Jane Copland roughly 10 minutes ago
And because Mel Gray was easily the best thing about Pubcon (can we bring him to all of the conferences, Rand? Pretty pleeeeease?), I’ve decided to award him with his own subsection:
- “Scott said that Parasol Up [a bar at the Wynn] is ‘too smoky,’ but he smokes!” — me
“So? It’s kind of like ‘I enjoy water but I don’t like drowning!'” — Mel
- “Okay everyone, we’re going to play a game called Werewolf. Basically, you put your head down on the table and make a lot of noise and then someone dies. It’s kind of like the game Clue, only we already know where the murder took place–in the conference center!” — Mel, trying to moderate a game of Werewolf
- “This is ridiculous–it’s like shooting ducks in a barrel!” — Mel getting frustrated while moderating
- “The Blue Man blue me!” — Mel after a Blue Man touched his arm and left a blue streak on it
- “I’m going to go have some Me Time.” — Mel, shortly before retiring to a lounge chair on the balcony of the Ghost Bar
As always, feel free to share your own quotes in the comments!
